Hermes: I don’t think it’s worth applying for, Alan.
Hermes: It’s not worth applying for it mate.
Alan: Why not?
Hermes: Well for a start look at the application form. It’s a fucking labyrinthine mess – Theseus couldn’t figure this thing out. What’s this section here?
Alan: That’s where you put your date of birth.
Hermes: Are you sure?
Alan: Pretty sure.
Hermes: Then what’s that green symbol for?
Alan: The one with the goat’s head and the inverted pentagram?
Hermes: No, this – here.
Alan: Oh. No clue man.
Hermes: You see what I mean? They honestly only want experts – they only want people who know the bureaucratic lingo shit to apply. Know what I mean? I mean this – this frankly is Greek to me.
Alan: That actually is Greek I think.
Hermes: Exactly. It’s Greek to me, and it’s in Greek, which doesn’t help. And what’s this bit? It’s just–
Alan: Would you stop being so negative? I know it’s hard work but I need to be doing something. I need to go for something, even if it is… even if it’s only…
Hermes: You can’t even remember what you’re applying for mate.
Alan: Would you just screw off, Hermes – it’s too many of these damned forms. I’m starting to know how Plato felt.
Alan: Never mind, never mind. The point is, this is worth applying for because at least it’s something.
Hermes: But look at the job description and person specification: “We require a clown (preferably one-legged) with experience with children and animals to fill a vacancy at our hospice. Ideal candidates will have heterochromia iridium, a working knowledge of homoeopathy and no sense of humour.” You barely fulfil half of the essential criteria, and almost none of the desirable criteria. I’m not telling you this because I’m being negative sweetheart, I’m telling you because I honestly don’t think you’re right for the job. What’s more, whilst the pay is actually pretty good, nothing is worth this fucking application form.
Hermes: I mean even if it were your dream job I’d be sceptical.
Hermes: Hey – you know what? You could always come work with me.
Alan: That’s nice of you honey, but Olympus is a bit of a trek for me.
Hermes: Oh, yeah. I suppose. Sorry – I forget about your uh. Your um.
Alan: It’s okay. Anyway I’m not working with Dionysus again.
Alan: I mean Jesus Christ.